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Party FAQ
Below are some general guidelines for play parties to help everyone feel
more comfortable and fit in easier. Please remember that every party is
different, and it's best to check with your hosts about their specific rules.
Before a party
Toys
Scenes
Furniture
Socializing
Attire/Grooming
Food/Drink
Smoking/Drinking
Approaching people
Guest behavior
After the party
Before a party
- If you require tickets to attend a party, purchase them early. Likewise
if you are invited, RSVP as soon as possible. This is a good way for
the hosts to know how many people to expect. Many parties have a cap
on the number of people they will allow, and it is disappointing to
not be able to attend due to procrastination. Additionally, by not replying
that you are unable to go - you may be denying an invitation being extended
to someone else.
- If you know that you will be early, alert your hosts. The last thing
they want to do while they are trying to set up, is entertain guests.
Try to stay out of the way, or wait outside and socialize with others
who are early.
- If you know you are going to be early, it is also generally appreciated
to offer help in setting up. An offer of "can I light those candles
for you?" or "Do you want me to wipe down all the equipment with those
cleaning products?" is much more helpful than "is there anything that
I can do?" The first two examples are helpful; the last one usually
makes a frantic organizer distracted from the task at hand.
- If you do not know how to complete a task to help, let the
organizers/hosts know.
- Arrive on time - a party that is small often relies on enough people
being there at the same time. If too many people are significantly late,
then the mood of the party is affected, and this mood might continue
the entire night.
- Take stock of your mood and physical condition. If you are tired,
grumpy, sore, sick, or irritable, plan on how you will socialize and
play - before you are potentially put on the spot.
Toys
- Do bring your own toys, accessories, and cleaning products.
- Don't touch other people's toys without permission.
- If you borrow someone's toys, clean them when you are done in the
manner they indicate. Don't assume that your method is their method.
- Bring your own first aid equiptment. This is especially true if you
have allergies such as a latex allergy, or will be doing play that is
likely to cause cuts, etc.
Scenes
- Do feel free to ask someone about their play well after their scene,
when they are socializing. Many people are happy to tell you about what
they were doing.
- Do not ever interrupt a scene. If you are curious about it, ask the
DM. If you are concerned about it, talk to the DM. When asking about
a scene, make sure they are done playing. What looks to you like a scene
being over might be a more D/s focused scene, or aftercare.
- Do not feel pressure to scene/play with someone. If someone is pressuring
you, speak to a DM ASAP. A DM can not help you if you do not ask for
assistance.
Furniture
- Ask party organizers about bringing your own furniture if you have
it and would like to share. Most are happy to get more furniture, but
not all parties will have room for everything.
- Ensure any furniture you have used is cleaned when you are done with
it. Your hosts may provide cleaners, or may ask you to bring your own.
Socializing
- Most parties will have an area for socializing. This is where you
should talk, flirt, gossip, and negotiate. This is also usually the
area where people will go for aftercare. If there is a seperate, designated
aftercare area, respect it.
- Keep the volume down in social areas as to not disturb those playing.
- Feel free to watch scenes, but remember that not many people are trying
to put on a performance, and appreciate your discretion while observing
them play. Many parties discourage discussing what you are watching
during a scene, as it distracts both top and bottom.
Attire/Grooming
- Most parties do not require, but do appreciate it if you dress up
a little.
- At minimum, ensure that your clothing is neat, tidy, and in
good repair, and that you have practiced good grooming habits.
Black is a common clothing preference if you are stuck for ideas
or have limited wardrobe choices.
- Fetish wear is generally highly admired, but it is best to
either change when you arrive and leave, or wear a long coat
to cover up fetish wear when you are outside. Our vanilla neighbors
do not need to come over to join the "costume party"...
Food/Drink
- At most parties, a minimum of food and drink will be provided. It
is always appreciated if you bring cans of pop, bags of chips, bottles
of water, tetra-packs of orange juice or other pre-packaged food. If
you wish to bring food you have prepared, (such as dips, salads or deserts)
it's always a good idea to include a card with the ingredients for guests
who are allergic or restricted.
- It is advisable, even if told that food and drink will be available,
to bring your own for aftercare if needed. A juice box and a granola
bar is simple, and can be tucked into a side pocket of your toy bag.
- It is not advisable to bring anything that requires a stove, fridge
oven, microwave or kettle, as often the kitchen is unavailable for guest
use. Check with your hosts before bringing your famous pizza or ingredients
for your health shake. Likewise, bringing something that requires plates
creates more work for your hosts when they have to clean those plates
at the end of the night. Finger food is best.
- At some parties, particularly those held in bars, there will be food
and drink available for purchase. Most of these venues rely on bar sales
(albeit of juice and soda rather than alcohol) to keep the doors open,
and do not allow outside food and drink. Check with your hosts if you
are unsure.
Smoking/Drinking
- In almost all cases smoking is not permitted in the party. Please
go outside to smoke. It is preferable if you also do not stand right
outside the door to smoke. Sometimes chairs will be set up in another
area for you to socialize while you smoke.
- Most parties do not permit or provide alcohol. Please ask your hosts
if you can bring a drink if you desire one. In most cases, the use of
alcohol before or during a party is highly discouraged. You may be denied
entrance or be asked to leave if you seem impaired.
- The use of other drugs and stimulants is generally not permitted at
parties. If you are unsure, check with your hosts.
Approaching people
- First rule - remember that with anything, no means no.
- Feel free to chat socially with anyone in attendance, however understand
if certain people are unable to speak with you. You may be asked to
speak to someone else to gain permission first. This is not an attempt
at rudeness, but instead an attempt for people to maintain their relationship
rules or roles within the play space.
- If you are interested in playing with someone, it is typically best
to get to know them first. He or she may not be allowed to play with
you, or his or her play style might not be compatible with yours.
- Don't assume that the guy in sweatpants is vanilla, nor that
the woman in stilettos and full leathers is an experienced Domme.
- If you are interested in playing with someone who is 'attached'
(dating, married, playing with, partnered with, collared to,
owner of, etc) it is at minimum polite to approach both parties
with your interest. This goes for tops and bottoms. Play should
create good feelings, not bad ones. Going "too far"
in this area is better than falling short.
- Ensure that you negotiate your play clearly. Establish your
safe words, as well as what kinds of play you are looking for
- and those you do not want to engage in. Understand the risks
of the kinds of play you are involved with, and talk about other
concerns such as marks, aftercare, and medical conditions to
be aware of. If you are playing with someone new, consider informing
your DM.
- Do not touch that which doesn't belong to you without permission -
this goes for toys, and people. Just because woman A pinches woman B,
that does not give you the right to pinch woman B too. their relationship
is not your relationship.
- If you saw something in a scene that you are curious about, feel
free to approach either party from the scene after it is over and the
members are socializing again. What might look like clean up or hugging
may actually be their private aftercare or still a part of their scene.
- If you meet someone at a party who you would like to get to know better,
it's perfectly acceptable to ask them if they would like to join you
for a late night coffee before heading home, or offer your card so that
they might contact you. Even at the end of a party, no still means no, and no one is obligated to return your interest.
Guest behavior
- If you are invited to a party, and wish to bring a guest, ask your
host first. Often party guest lists are designed with specific groups
of people in mind. Likewise your host may be providing food and drink,
and extra numbers will affect his or her needs.
- If you are invited to a party, you are responsible for your behavior.
If you bring guests with you, you are also responsible for their behavior.
This is regardless of your orientation.
After the party
- If you are able to stay to the end of the party, it is always appreciated
if you can help to clean up. Clean up is one of the hardest parts of
a party - because everyone is tired, and wanting to go home. Just like
at the beginning of a party it's helpful to ask "Do you want me to take
the cross apart and take it out to Person A's truck?" or "Should I gather
up all the pop cans and put them in the recycling bin?" versus "Is there
anything you want me to do?"
- One of the worst things to do after a party - is to talk about that
party with those who were not there. This lack of discretion is one
of the few things that will often result in your not being invited to
future parties.
- It is indiscreet to talk about someone's scene - often scenes
are private things, and talking about them can feel intrusive.
Saying "I saw a fantastic violet wand scene" is one thing. saying
"I saw Top A use the violet wand on bottom B for 2 hours and
they did this, and this, and this." is inappropriate.
- It is poor form to judge someone else's scene, and create
gossip.
- It is cruel to remind someone that you attended a party that
either they were unable to attend - or worse still, that they
were not invited to.
- It is always appreciated to contact your hosts privately by email
or telephone to thank them if you had a good time. Note which things
you enjoyed about the party, and if needed, provide constructive criticism
for those you found lacking.
- If you were unable to attend the party, let your hosts know that you
would like to be invited to future parties.
- Take care of yourself! Ensure that you get the aftercare you need.
This is your responsibility, but also ensure that you offer it to anyone
you played with.
If you can think of any other suggestions that should be on this list -
let us know!
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